Test Your Lazy Invention IQ!

By DeLane McDuffie

Creativity is a good thing. Human ingenuity has given us great inventions like the lightbulb, automobile, and telephone. But sometimes, those who don't use the power of creativity for the forces of good can cross over into the realm of slackers and just plain stupidity. Any able-bodied person should know better. We at the National Organization against Languid Action, Zzzzzz, and Yawning (NOLAZY) need your help. Fight the good fight, and match the lazy contraption with its function/characteristic—hopefully, they will inspire you to get up and move around.

1. Extendable forks – Eat like a giant. In case your 6-inch fork wasn't long enough to reach your plate that's about 4 inches away, you'll be happy to know that there are 25- and 30-inch forks out there that you can use to reach your neighbor's plate. We can understand why you need one to dig way down in those big ol' jars, but for everyday use, it just doesn't make much sense. You'll need a forklift to lift your fork. If the giant would've had a fork like this, he would've caught Jack before he slid down that beanstalk.
2. Electric scissors – Cut through the bull. Yeah! You're big. You're strong. You're tired of moving your hands unnecessarily. Why not let a pair of cordless power scissors do the work for you? Now you can show those Sunday morning newspaper coupons who's boss! That old credit card's talking trash to you again? You know what to do.
3. Packaged, peeled, hardboiled eggs – Grade-A laziness. I saw this in the grocery store one day and almost dropped my carton of eggs. Stunning! Removing the shell and boiling an egg aren't really hard to do. If this keeps up, soon baby chicks will be delivered to chickens, and they won't have to hatch them.
4. The Hawaii Chair – Twist into shape. This is real. I'm not making this up. Once upon a time, there was a chair that was supposed to keep you slim and trim by simulating the hula dance's twisting motion—all while you were sitting down! Go YouTube^® the infomercial. I can't see how eating or even working at your desk could even be possible. It looks like a cross between a medieval torture device and a time machine. Also, anything that advises you to "take the 'work' out of your workout" is probably not going to get you ripped. As the infomercial says, "If you can sit, you can get fit."
5. Motorized ice cream cone – Be cooler than your friends. Quite possibly the laziest invention in recorded human history, all a person has to do is stick out his or her tongue. It's official. Because your tongue has just been laid off from its job, you have managed to achieve zero muscle activity. Nice! You might as well be asleep. Some people think that electric toothbrushes are unnecessary, but at least they have a hygienic purpose. The purpose of a motorized ice cream cone? Hmm...I'll let you know when I figure one out.