Test Your Weird Artificial Additives IQ!

By DeLane McDuffie

Here in America, we like stuff. Stuff. Big, loud, greasy, and sugary stuff. We also like our share of artificiality. From our surgically enhanced body parts to scripted "reality" TV to the superhuman performances of some of our athletes, we love the artificial—sometimes even in our food. Match the food or drink with its weird artificial additive.

1. Cake icing – titanium dioxide. Happy Birthday to you! Now make a wish. Blow out the candles. (Whooosh!) Yay! Now cut yourself a slice of titanium dioxide. Yeah, you heard me right. It's in the icing; it makes icing whiter and brighter. If you don't feel like eating cake icing, that's cool. You can still get your fill of titanium dioxide by swallowing some toothpaste or sunscreen, or running outside and licking the paint on the side of your house. It's waiting for you.
2. Chocolate – tartrazine. Ah, who doesn't like chocolate? Chocolate tastes so good that, if it were possible, a piece of chocolate would eat another piece of chocolate. Our old friend tartrazine, aka E102 dye or FD&C yellow #5, contributes to our enjoyable, chocolate-eating experiences. Tartrazine is a coal/tar derivative, which means it comes from petroleum. Oil and tar. Mmmm . . . My mouth is watering already. Next Valentine's Day, give your special someone a box of chocolates and watch 'em eat a mouthful of street.
3. Beer – propylene glycol alginate. Everyone, hold up your beers. I want to give a toast to propylene glycol alginate, a good friend who's always around when you need him. Cheers! Bottoms up! Wait a second. Did you just ask me where's the guest of honor? Oh, I thought you knew. You just drank it. Propylene glycol alginate is the goodness that keeps the foam at the top of your beer nice, thick, and frothy. Who needs a milk moustache when you can have a propylene glycol alginate goatee?
4. Coconut spread – sorbitan monostearate. Sorbitan monostearate . . . Yes! You can't help but love how that rolls off your tongue and into your stomach. Considered safe, synthetic wax (sorbitan monostearate's street name) is everywhere. It's in coconut spread, milk and cream substitutes for your coffee, some drinks, etc. It helps keep your Cool Whip from becoming all watery while in the ol' icebox. The fact that it's also in hemorrhoid cream just makes it all the better.
5. Cool Whip – polysorbate 60. Speaking of Cool Whip, polysorbate 60 is one of its many ingredients. It's also present in one of the healthiest foods in existence, the Twinkie. Scientists make polysorbate 60 by polymerizing ethylene oxide with a sugar alcohol derivative. And if you can translate that last sentence, then you're smarter than most of us. So smart, in fact, that I bet you knew that it's used as an emulsifier and as a detergent, and is one of the chief components in sex lubricants. (Crickets chirping.) No punch lines here. And that's all I'm gonna say about that.